Posts Tagged ‘Green Bay Packers’

I’ve been around to witness 24 of the of the 45 Super Bowls, none more embarrassing  than last nights – thanks Christina Aguilera. What was supposed to be an epic battle between two of the leagues most historic franchises, instead inflicted feelings of the first time I had sex – quick, awkward and down right boring.  That might have had something to do with the fact that she was asleep, but that’s nor here, nor there.  It’s hard to call Super Bowl XLV anything, but an epic let down.  The weather was trash, Christina Aguilera wrecked our national anthem, the Black Eyed Peas were…….well the Blacked Eyed Peas and the commercials about as sad as watching a retard hump a doorknob.  Fear not though evildoers as I managed to find one commercial that stood out above the rest, and no it wasn’t that ridiculously stupid one featuring the villainous Darth Vader kid using the dark force to turn on the headlights of his dad’s ugly Volkswagen.  Instead, it was the Dorrito’s “finger licking” good spot that had most men wondering if eating Dorritos and being gay are somehow now linked.  If this is true, well then I need to wash myself immediately, cause it’s sticky.

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Super Bowl?  What Super Bowl?  Did Big Ben forget he’s in Texas to play one of the biggest games of his life, not run up an $800 rum and coke bill and get crazy wasted at Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar while singing Billy Joel’s “Piano Man?”  When asked by reporters why he was out past 1:00 a.m. at the bar, he denied all allegations (sounds familiar) and responded by saying he was in his bed at the hotel at that time.  Really?  So the video footage of you dancing on stage is a hoax, just like you getting your TSA on inside an Alabama college bar bathroom?  This whole situation reeks of Rex “The Sex Canon” Grossman of a few years back.  The one positive you can take out of this? At least it wasn’t the night before the big game!  Fair or foul that this topic is getting as much media attention as it is? Yes, I seriously asked that.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Super Bowl XLV between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers?  Then explain to me why in the world Chad Ochocinco/Johnson is being interviewed by TV Azteca’s Ines Sainz.  Who let either of these glory hounds in the front door?  SECURITY! Wait, light bulb! Is it possible that Mad Chad sought out the most controversial “reporter” to conduct an interview with him about a game he’ll never partake in?   Yahtzee!  It’s also a very realistic possibility that he’s working on another reality television show.  Let’s just hope if that’s the case, he won’t spoil the ending two weeks into it. Dill Hole!

 

Super Bowl XLV, how are you not excited?  After all, it is arguably the greatest sporting event there is, and that includes the World Cup and National Dice Rolling Championships.  Add in two of the NFL’s most historically proud franchises, a brand spanking $1.2 billion venue, a rapist and countless knee slapping commercials and even Master P is “bout bout.”   However, what if I told you that the following Monday morning water cooler conversation with Todd and Nancy would have absolutely nothing to do with the game, but instead Kim Kardashian?  Bitch is always stealing the spotlight!  That’s probably what some of you would say, but oh no, not me.  Then again, you wouldn’t be wrong in your analysis.

This week, I managed to get my hairy, nubby little hands on some inside information (US Weekly) on a commercial Kim is set to release during the Super Bowl.  Oh man, I thought you said the NFL nixed that Holly Madison crap.  Easy people, it’s actually for a much more realistic product – Sketcher’s Shape-ups.  Wow, my 5th grade teacher Ms. Johnson did teach me something useful after all, as that’s what some might call an “oxymoron.”  How can a plastic-ass be toned or shaped up?  Wait a gosh darn minute there.  Kim has gone on record numerous times saying she’s never had plastic surgery. Sure, and a magic fairy gave Magic Johnson aids one night while he was sleeping next to his wife.  C’mon man!

Let’s get back to the point at hand here people.  Did Sketchers do any sort of research before picking a celebrity spokesperson? Honestly, if Kim’s ass gets tooclose to a microwave oven, it’s likely going to melt.  Say it with me, “You can’t tone a fake, plastic ass.”  Note to Kim, next time you go to Sir Mix-A-Lot for an ass implant,  ask him to take out the pillows he put in last time, cause if that badunkadunk gets any bigger, New York City will have to lay claim to a sixth borough.  And we all know the boys love to “borough” inside her mole hole – yikes! Quickly, does the name Kim Kardashian mean anything today if the video of Ray J nailing her doesn’t leak – NO!  Why then is she one of the most sought after celebs out there?  Forget going to college sweetie, mom just wants you to get nailed at tomorrow night’s kegger, and oh hey, don’t forget to film that ish.  Now, here’s twenty bucks, make your mommy proud!

Green Bay, Wisconsin.  Have you been?  If you have, I can assume you won’t be going back anytime soon. If you haven’t, well let’s just say you won’t find it in the “500 Place You Should Visit Before You Die” book.  That’s for damn sure!  However, if you like beer, big husky-like broads, never-ending fields of nothingness, cow tipping and endless amounts of free time, well then Green Bay is heaven on Earth.  Oh and in case you didn’t hear, the Packers are also one game away from playing in the Super Bowl, so let the raging barn parties begin.  The anthem for these sweet overall wearing parties?  How about “Feeling So Fly Like a Cheesehead?” Kill me now!

So Aaron Rodgers finally won not one, but two post-season games to officially get out of  his arch-nemesis’ Brett Favre’s shadow. Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Okay enough of that.  I understand little Aaron boy is one game away from playing in his first Super Bowl, he’s rumored to be dating the beautiful Gossip Girl’s star Jessica Szohr and he’s fastly rising the chart of NFL elite quarterbacks, but that’s no excuse to let your true colors of an unheralded ass wipe shine through.  Why such harsh words you wonder?  I can promise you for once, it actually has nothing to do with my undying love for the Minnesota Vikings, but instead after seeing this video of Mr. Rodgers stiffing a recent breast cancer survivor of an autograph, I can’t think of enough horrible words to describe this prima donna douche bag.  Thank God, the National Football League’s Defensive Player of the Year Award winner Clay Matthews had enough sense and compassion to save the day by signing this beautiful young ladies jersey and in turn bring a smile to her face during these trying times.

After watching the New England Patriots 300-pound offensive lineman Dan Connolly return a kick-off for an astounding 71-yards, I’m starting to think the only thing that would have been more entertaining would have been watching Rex Ryan chase a Twinkie around that’s attached to a remote control car.  Who would have ever thought that on a day when DeSean Jackson went all Tub Girl on the New York Giants with his ridiculous punt return for the game winning touchdown, that he would be upended by a man who can eat his weight in flapjacks?  The NFL, where amazing happens, not the NBA.