Mole Hole Comedy

Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes!

(Say it out loud for best results)

1.  That’s not right (Sum Ting Wong)

2.  See me ASAP (Kum Hia Now)

3.  Small Horse (Tai Ni Po Ni)

4. You need a facelift (Chin Tu Fat)

5.  I thought you were on a diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching)

6.  He’s cleaning the car (Wa Shing Ka)

7.  You smell bad (Yu Stin Ki Pu)

8.  This is a tow away zone (No Pah King)

9.  Great! (Fa Kin Su Pah)

 

The Confession Box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

“Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”.

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot.  You’re on my side”.

 

A Blonde and a Difficult Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle,  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax.  Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then….” he sighed, “we’ll put all of these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Valentine’s Day Mess Up

Rick was in trouble.  He had forgotten Valentines Day.  His wife of 20-years was real angry.  She told him in no uncertain terms, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, and it BETTER be there!  The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.  When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.  Rick has been missing since that day.  Please, we ask that everyone pray for him!

Some Excellent Sex Quotes


Early Contention For Joke of the Year

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here
who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even
let YOU decide who leaves.”

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all
day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said………..

(This is priceless…)

“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

 

Kindness of a Rich Scotsman

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along

the roadside eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

 

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat

grass.”

 

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the  Scotsman

said.

 

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under

that tree.”

 

“Bring them along,” the Scotsman replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife  and

SIX children with me!”

 

“Bring them all, as well,” the Scotsman answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the

limousine was.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, “Sir,

you’re too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

 

The Scotsman replied, “Glad to do it.

 

“You’ll really love my place.

 

“The grass is almost a foot high”

 

Amish Lesson

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw,

but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart

and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked, ‘What is this, Father?’

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,

I don’t know what it is.’

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,

a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

 

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a

small room.  The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched

the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number,

and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

 

Finally the walls opened up again

and a gorgeous young woman stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the woman,

said quietly to his son, ‘Go get your mother.’


A Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello!”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw
one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

 

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking
$980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really
want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

 

Girl Scouts Motivational Poster

All Girl Biker Bar

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

 

Golf With The Wife

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,

two black eyes,and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

 

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”

 

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult

hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed

one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

 

“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my

wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.

 

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, This looks like yours!”

 

“I don’t remember much after that.”

 

Joke of The Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business

 

A New Way To Pick Up Women

A truly touching story….truly touching!!

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees
and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought “These taser guns are well worth the money.”

 

Politically Incorrect Jokes

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.  I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I knew 4000 Muslims added me as a friend!

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to our garden.

 

Would You Marry Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question….

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?”

HUSBAND:
“Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not?
Don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of
course I do..”

WIFE: “Then why
wouldn’t you remarry? “

HUSBAND: “Okay,
okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You
would?” (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: “Would
you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure,
it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would
you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where
else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would
you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND:
“Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would
you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That
would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would
you give her my jewelry?”

HUSBAND: “No, I’m
sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: “Yes,
those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: “No,
she’s left-handed.”

WIFE:
silence —

HUSBAND:
“shit.”

 

The Stutterer

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human beings are the only  animals that stutter,’ she says.

A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.’

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that   lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the   fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.

‘It sure was,’ said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss’ and before she could say ‘Shit,’ the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

Old Timers and Golf

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas Morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it, we’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf,’ and she said…

‘Take a sweater!'”


Another Grand Ol’ Story

At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota they have a weekly husbands’ marriage seminar.  At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Vell, Ole replied to the assembled husbands, “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!”

The Pastor responded, “Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th anniversary.”

Ole proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go get her.”

 

The Golf Tournament

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, ‘Naaahhh!’

Then they said to me ‘Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind Kids.’

Then I thought…

Fuck – I could win this!’


Prostate check-up

An old guy gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

The old guy obeys and says,”99″.  The doctor says, “Great”.

Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99”.  Again, the old guy says, ’99’.”

The doctor said, Very well. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

The old guy begins, “One … Two ..Three”.

The Genie

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.

“I want to live forever, ” I said.”

“Sorry” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine” I said, “I want to die after the Vikings win the Super Bowl!”

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

 

Question of the Century

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there is only room for one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS…………………

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to ‘Think Outside of the Box.’

HOWEVER… The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama’s health care won’t pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

 

Today’s Word Is…………….. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too.”

 

The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

The Best Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight..
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

 

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

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